Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Memorial Weekend

So this past weekend was Memorial weekend and the main reason I will remember it is that Deep Fried Twinkie and my wife had a somewhat normal interaction. Now this is nothing to build long term relationships on, but it might be a break in the stare down war. Recent updates are that the shed is now finally completed after a long 14 weekends. They've moved in a jungle gym for the little taters, right next to, let me repeat, right next to the burn barrel. And a picnic bench on the other side of the burn barrel. I'm starting to think the burn barrel is a place of meeting for these peoples. Now here in northeast Tenn. it has been 90+ degrees for like almost 2 weeks now. Not to many friends and family want to sit in a hot box trailer. There is not a bit of shade anywhere close to it and they don't have air conditioning. Now I understand why the child only runs around in his underwear, not back in Feb. but now I can see it. But being that today is the first of the month, whammo a truck pulled in today to hook up the air conditioning unit that has been sitting outside the trailer for the last 2 months. But still no more plastic burning!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Biscuits and Gravy

So it's been over a week since I last posted, but this is good since they seemed to be leaving us alone. Still no start on that damn fence, but we are in week 4 of building a shed. I guess that answers the old many redneck's does it take to build a shed? Answer = not sure, still trying to figure that out!
Now in the last week I have observed a few "odd" things going on in what we like to call Camp Stupid. As usual the 3 or 4 year old is wearing just his little tightey whitey underwear. I don't think he owns shoes, socks, pants...etc, I figured a redneck's first birthday present would be a wife beater t-shirt? Wait I take that back, he was wearing a life jacket the other morning, the funny thing is they don't even own a WalMart pool. I also got to witness King Warthog Frog Face try to mow his front ditch line. It was with a riding mower, and he got stuck 4 times that I counted, and now only 3/4 of the ditch still has 3 foot tall grass in it. From what I can tell, if the riding mower can't get to it, then it don't need to be cut. And they moved one of their storage containers/car out from underneath our trees. Must have called the insurance company and found out we were right! So I figure in another 3 weeks they should be done the shed, then I'm hoping to have project fence in full swing! Well I guess that's about it for now, hoping everyone has a great day!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Good Friday

  I have once again over the last few days learned more about my wonderful neighbors than I care too.
The other night we were confronted about the EPA being called, by the one that the wife and I think is the brains of the bunch. This is the husband to Deep Fried Twinkie, we are guessing that the old couple had a hard time with what the "government official" gave them to read, and was waiting for Lord Brains to come home and decipher it for them. Once he did, he felt the need to come talk to me about it. Against my wife's better judgement, I went over to the property line and spoke with him. He asked if I called and I replied "yes sir I did" then the conversation went from there. Not gonna really get into specifics but here are some of the highlights: We have learned that if a storm takes down a perfectly healthy tree or branches in this same tree and a redneck parks his piece of sh!t truck under it, they gonna make us pay. And you have to imagine the little Hee Haw dance he was doing when he said it and clapping his hands. Second thing we learned is that they don't like the smells my wood stove puts out during the winter, so to get us back he is "going to buy me a wood stove this year", and once again with the Hee Haw dance thing. I really wished I had video taped it. Now I don't know how him buying a wood stove is going to get back at me, but if it makes him feel warm and fuzzy like a coon skin cap, who am I to stop it? But I am going to look for some stinky ass wood to burn this year. And the last thing would be that he tried to kick one of the dogs that hang out around the house and said "I'm gonna kill every dog on my property that ain't mines" and tried to kick the dog. Now he missed miserable and almost feel over, yes this did bring a smirk to my face. I then look down and in between my feet sat his old decrepit pug. I looked down at the dog then at him and said "REALLY?!" And for one last time the dance came back and he's clapping his hands saying "go pee little buddy, go pee" Now if I didn't love animals like I do, that dog would have been air mailed back to his property via my foot. So after a few more choice words, Lord Brain asked if he built a privacy fence, would that solve things? I almost hugged me a redneck...just kidding. I said "Yes, Yes I think that would be just grand!!!" We shook hands on it, if you would have seen my wife's face at that point, PRICELESS. She later said to me "let's shake on it? What the hell is wrong with you?" But before we walked away, Lord Brain said that once the fence is up what happens on this side stays on this side and vice versa. And that if we weren't happy after that, that he would buy us a compass and we can find our way back to where ever we came from! A compass?! Redneck's don't know about GPS systems? So at this point we are hopelessly waiting on a privacy fence. But on a lighter note, today Deep Fried Twinkie ran out of gas in her parents driveway, which is right next to our side of their property. HA HA HA she wouldn't get out of the truck and the angle the truck was sitting on wasn't registering the little bit of gas they were putting in it. She sat there for about 20 minutes screaming at the kids to get more gas. I know she knew we were watching and it was killing her. Now her having to get gas better not take away from the fence budget!
Have a great evening/day everyone,
A redneck's neighbor

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Here you see the 2 storage containers, one parked as close to our property line as they can get. Still not sure what the blue tarps on the other side of their property is hiding or when the big unveiling is. But this is the trailer they call home. Burn barrel/kids play zone on other side of trailer as well.

I'm Bored

 First off, the EPA was here bright and early and talking to the stunned King Warthog Frog Face. It , from what I could see without looking too noisy, looked like it caught him by surprise?! After hearing him say "we only uh burn paper" a few times, he was handed a piece of paper and the gentleman left. So I'm guessing this is his warning...we will see how that goes.

 Ok, now since I'm bored from just waiting around to heal, here is another old lovely memory we've had with the neighbors. I came home last summer during my lunch break to find the top section of our 3 rail fence broke. Now at this point their trailer was in place, no under underpinning nor power I think, they were just kind of cleaning it up. Well my fence sits under my 3 very tall pine trees, which is a great redneck hiding place from the sun. To bad it's all on my property. So from them leaning on it stacking stuff against it...etc it finally gave way. I went to get a closer look and saw my lovely new to be neighbors in the window. I put my hands in the air as far apart as I could and started looking at them in the window and then back at my fence for about 45 seconds. I could see them inside looking dumbfounded and showing someone else inside what I was doing. No one came out, nothing. So I ate lunch and went on my way. My wife decide we are just going to take the fence down and put up trees, to hide the stupidity(we started to get a hunch we weren't going to like them at this point). About an hour later I get a call from the wife telling me in a very pissed off voice, that she just got into it with the neighbors. Come to find out it was the daughter who lives up on the hill. She came out screaming at my wife, now this Deep Fried Twinkie goes about 210 lbs. and I think I'm being generous, and my wife is all of about 115 lbs. What we figure is she is so small that she would be intimdated...LOL wrong. Deep Fried was screaming about how "they didn't break no fence" and that "your husband need not accussing nobody like that!" Then proceeded to tell her that we: 1 stole her little dog, 2 that they are building a HUGE privacy fence (which she then reach as far as her fat little arms would go and said "from here to here"), and 3 that we are both going to hell because we have tattoo's. While this is going on my wife is trying to get her to step onto our property to discuss it a litttle better. Which I will give her, she never did. Well she went back inside, meanwhile my wife went to get a second hammer to try and take apart the fence. She said about 10 minutes later Deep Fried wasn't done bitching and came back out from the trailer and started towards my wife again VERY LOUDLY(seems to be the theme with that family). My wife then turns around, now Deep Fried is about 25-30 yards away, and strikes her best Braveheart stance with a hammer in both hands and starts to motion for her to come on...LOL sorry it makes me laugh everytime I think about it. Deep Fried sees this and in one quick motion swings her body weight towards the front door of the trailer not missing a beat to get away from her as quickly as possible. Now I think this is the reason we have the mean stare downs.
Oh well, this is the life of a redneck's neighbor, have a great day!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Here we go

Well this is my first of what I hope won't be to many stupid postings about a redneck family. I am not an English major nor ever plan to be one, so with that, if I miss punctuation and sorts...let it go. Ok, just a bit of  background, the neighbors we have to the left of us own a piece of property that stretches from the road to their house on the hill (approx. 2 acres). Well last summer they broke ground on the lower property right next to our house. First we thought it was going to be a dirt track for their 4 wheeler and 2 dirt bikes the kids love to ride for 3-4 hours EVERY day. But it wasn't...we were really happy for about 18 seconds. No, it was for a nice brand new 1964 single wide trailer. Everybody has to live somewhere, and I understand that. But this thing, I'll just have to post pics later. So here we are at recent day and about 7 months into this new exciting relationship, 2 parked cars (I think they are now considered storage containers), 1 broken section of our fence, numerous Save-A-Lot plastic bags, just a few arguments, and now we are down to ugly stares from across the property line.

So I get up this morning and venture out to the back porch, only to be met by the wonderful smell of burning plastic. And I thought to myself, I think this is day 2 of King Warthog Frog Face (a name I came up with after encountering the old man the first time, I mean his warts look like maroon skin bubbles, not quite a wart but bigger than skin tags) having his garbage meltdown. So I felt the need to call my local EMS number and report it for the second day, and for the second day got the same recording. So my wife left a very Yankee So now we call the local EPA office, and they said there will be someone here within 3 business days. We will see.